From Andrew:
What is Kei Igawa really like in the clubhouse?

Dr. Phil says:
What you really need to ask yourself is why do *I* need to know a non-familiar Asian ballplayer in a familiar way?

To answer your question directly, Kei Igawa is really like a AAA pitcher. You know what his name means in Korean? "Byung-Hyun Kim"
 

From Kevin:
How can the Wendy's Baconator taste sooo good and be soo bad for you? Do you think Curt Schilling has tried to new Spicy Baconator?

Dr. Phil says:
Let's be real clear now, you need to stop letting your childhood eat away at you by eating something the size of a small child.

Speaking of my good personal friend, Curt, I chose the number 34 in memorial of his former waist-size.
 

From George:
I'm a typical white person, but I can't seem to get a job like client #9, which apparently I should be entitled to. What should I do?

Dr. Phil says:
Lemme tell ya friend, you need to go out right this instant and buy a #34 jersey. It will be the first and last time in your life that you don't have to question the value of your life. Okay, George?

Thanks, George.
 

From Scott P in LA:
I have a problem with my boss. I used to work on the East Coast and had a boss that abused me on a near daily basis. No matter how much work I did it was simply never enough. I almost never was allowed a day off. To my great relief last year I was able to leave my company for a similar position across the country on the West coast.

Here's the really terrible part: my former company fired my old boss, ironically enough in large part because of his abuse of myself and my follow co-workers. OK, that part's not so terrible, but this part is - much to my disbelief, my NEW company decides to hire my old boss. Unbelievable. It's getting to the point where I'm seriously concerned for my health. In fact, some of my old co-workers are now suffering from some serious health problems due to the abuse they suffered under our old boss.  What should I do?

Dr. Phil says:
True story: Clay Buchholz can tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue.
 

From Ian:
Dear Dr. Phil, my girlfriend said she liked baseball when we first met, but after accompanying me and my buddies to Fenway - where we drank enough beer to kill eight giant squids - she has changed her mind, and no longer wants anything to do with the Sox or me. Is it really the Sox that are causing this problem, or something else? I have noticed that she seems uncomfortable sleeping in my bed after baseball games. This is due to the fact I ALWAYS remember to install my waterproof undersheet (in case of, er, "accidents" just as my mom told me to as she kicked me out of their home aged 3. In fact my mom bought me my waterproof undersheet. The problem I think is when I have an "accident", the fluid tends to pool rather than absorb into the mattress, and very often finds its way over to my girlfriend's side of the bed (she is 5'1" and weighs 400 lbs). Should I stop going to Fenway because of this? Should I just watch the game at home? And lastly, do they make waterproof undersheets for sofas, because that's where I've been sleeping for the past week and it's getting pretty messy down there.

Dr. Phil says:
Now wait just a moment. One moment. Hold on.

What ...in the... WORLD are you doing taking a young woman you're romantically interested in to Fenway Park? You know what you're saying to her with that gesture?

You got it - I'm going to pee on you. I'm going to pee on you. That's what you said. No wonder she's so darn uncomfortable. It's not the sheets, buddy, it's the ballclub.

(wild applause from the audience)

Am I right folks? Am I?

Understand something: Fenway Park = unadulterated urine.

What you need to do is to grow the heck up, get a real baseball team, and announce to your girlfriend that the only #1 she'll ever have to see from you is a styrofoam finger with an interlocking "NY" on it.