As I sat watching this offseason unfold, I wondered to myself, "Self, what happened to baseball? Did it break?" Perhaps. Perhaps, Self, baseball has broken. Or perhaps it has become too profitable for its own good. Baseball teams are flush with oodles of cash, and they have been using it to keep their best talent at home. However, many teams do not have such talent, and they look to the free agent market for upgrades. Unfortunately for them, the best players are no longer available as free agents, and they are forced to sign second and third rate (or worse) players to first rate deals. I took a little economics in college, and this can all be explained by the laws of supply and demand. The demand for talent is much higher than the available supply, so the price increases. However, we aren't talking about rich parents buying their spoiled kids a PlayStation 3 for $3,000 on eBay. This is like that, but replace the Playstation 3 with an above-average baseball player, the spoiled kids with stupid fans at stupid bars, and the rich parents with gazillionaire owners or ownership conglomerates, like the Tribune Company. Do you know how much money the Tribune Company has? Neither do I.

I can hear the cries now: "What's the point, Brisco?" The point, my little snowflakes, is that when many people are desperate to acquire the same thing, some, or all, of those people are going to do something monumentally stupid to acquire it. So without further ado, I present to you the NoMaas.org grades of several of the free agent deals handed out by Major League GMs this offseason.

1) Juan Pierre, CF
Los Angeles Dodgers, 5 years, $44 million

This is, in my opinion, the worst deal of the offseason. Despite Ned Colletti's claims that Pierre "gets on base an awful lot," he still has a career OBP that is almost exactly league average, and he posted OBPs of .326 and .330 the last two years, both of which are decidedly below-average, especially when you consider that the .330 OBP was posted while he played in Wrigley Field, one of the best hitting parks in baseball. Am I being too harsh on old Ned? Perhaps. Perhaps "an awful lot" is a relative term. For instance, look at me, Brisco County, Jr. I have never reached base safely in a Major League Baseball game. Juan Pierre gets on base an awful lot more than me. Is this what Colletti meant, that Pierre gets on base a lot more than grumpy, anonymous, internet bloggers? No matter, moving on. Pierre has, by any definition, no power. He has hit 12 home runs in his career. He has never hit 4 home runs in a season, despite playing in 956 games in the last 6 years. His only skill is footspeed, and given that Pierre will be 30 before next season is out, that speed is likely to decline soon. One thing Pierre is exceptional at, however, is making outs, having ranked first or second in this category in the National League for the last four years.

I cannot, in good conscience, finish my lambasting of this deal without noting the fact that the Dodgers have one of the best farm systems in baseball, thanks largely to the deposed Paul Depodesta. Perhaps Pierre's biggest flaw is that he is now blocking Matt Kemp, a younger, cheaper, and better centerfielder. Honestly, how did Ned Colletti get a GM job? Was there a contest on the back of a Cap'n Crunch box that I missed out on?

Grade: F-

2) Jason Marquis, RHSP
Chicago Cubs, 3 years, $21 million

This deal makes no sense to me whatsoever. Marquis posted a 6.02 ERA last year in almost 200 innings. If you want an answer as to why the Cardinals were so much better in the postseason than the regular season last year, a good place to start is the fact that Marquis threw 0 innings in the playoffs. Honestly, Jim Hendry, you don't have one cheap AAA arm who can beat an ERA of 6? If the answer is no, then you're a worse GM than I thought. After posting a full season ERA+ of 73, Marquis shouldn't be getting a guaranteed one-year deal next year, let alone a 3-year deal for $21 million. Who is his agent, Jim Jones? Yeah, you go Google that. Then have a laugh for free, on me.

Grade: F

3) Gil Meche, RHSP
Kansas City Royals, 5 years, $55 million

This is the deal that seems to have the most people up in arms. It's bad. According to baseball-reference.com, Meche's three most similar pitchers through age 27, are Jason Marquis, Hank Johnson, and Jason Jennings. Jennings is hard to evaluate because he pitched in Colorado for so long, and that makes most of his numbers very difficult to use. Marquis and Johnson did not pitch for Colorado, and I can say without a doubt that I would not give either of them a $55 million deal. So it's obviously a terrible, horrible deal, and I don't understand it, right? Right. Except, I do understand it. Do I agree with it? Not exactly. But let's break the deal down.

a) Dayton Moore, the man who signed Meche, is the GM for the Royals. The Royals, as you may have heard, suck. They have sucked for a while, and they are, aside from the Devil Rays, probably the most embarassing, pathetic team in baseball. If you accept that the Royals would have to overpay for any competitive free agent, doing so for Meche becomes slightly more reasonable.

b) Unlike Juan Pierre, who is going to steal at-bats from Matt Kemp, Andre Ethier, and James Loney, Gil Meche is taking starts from Runelvys Hernandez, Scott Elarton, and some other terrible people. For all his faults, Meche was still demonstrably better than anyone in the Royals awful rotation last year. While it isn't a great point in Meche's favor that the Royals pitching staff is an embarassment, at least he won't be making them actively worse.

c) Meche's 4th and 5th most similar pitchers through age 27 are Chris Carpenter and Jason Schmidt. Like those two, Meche is a guy who has very notable stuff but has spent the early part of his career languishing in mediocrity. Eventually, Carpenter and Schmidt put it together, and ended up producing some super results. What's the point? Unlike Pierre, Meche has upside- the Royals could get lucky, and it could turn out that Meche is the next Schmidt or Carpenter, and that $55 million could seem like a bargain.

I understand what Moore is thinking, which is more than I can say for Jim Hendry or Ned Colletti. Despite that, this is not a good deal, or even an OK deal. Meche is still a guy with over 800 career innings and an ERA+ of 96, and betting $55 million on a guy like that to suddenly pull it together, especially when your payroll the year before was $47 million, is never a smart move.

Grade: F+

4) Gary Matthews, Jr., CF
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, 5 years, $50 million

Matthews put up a 119 OPS+ last year, while playing at least a passable CF. Unfortunately, he is 32 years old, and his batting average was 50 points above his career average. If you read any baseball analysis at all, you have surely heard these points made before; Matthews would be a good investment if it were reasonable to think he'd continue to produce like he did last year. He isn't. While I think most people are focusing unfairly on Matthews' early career, (as he has posted a very respectable .285/.349/.468 line in the last three years), it is pretty clear that the Angels paid $50 million for a clearly out-of-context season from a 32-year-old. Matthews' saving grace is that he's taking CF away from Chone Figgins, who, despite what a lot of stupid people would have you think, sucks.

Grade: D+

5) Carlos Lee, LF
Houston Astros, 6 years, $100 million

Carlos Lee is a good hitter. Carlos Lee is not, however, a great hitter. Unfortunately for Lee and the Astros, Lee is also a poor fielder and he is getting fatter by the minute. So, basically, the Astros are spending $100 million on a guy who is pretty good at one thing. By year 4 of this deal, Lee is going to be a slightly above-average hitter while also being a major defensive liability, all for the low price of $16.67 million dollars a year. Gross.

Grade: D-

6) Aramis Ramirez, 3B
Chicago Cubs, 5 years, $75 million

Aramis Ramirez is in his prime, adequately plays a position with real defensive value, posted a line of .291/.352/.561 last year, and has a three-year line with the Cubbies of .304/.361/.569. Ramirez is 2 years younger than Lee, and unlike Lee, he can play third base without embarassing himself. By the way, Ramirez has been a demonstrably better hitter in each of the last three seasons. Ramirez was probably the best position player on the market this offseason, and Jim Hendry managed to sign him to a very reasonable deal. This was the best deal any GM signed this offseason. Maybe Ramirez should have waited longer to sign.

Grade: A+

7) Alfonso Soriano, OF
Chicago Cubs, 8 years, $138 million

This deal is the quintessential "win-now" deal. Soriano hit .277/.351/.560 last year, playing his home games in a park generally regarded as being terrible for home run hitters. He set a career high in home runs with 46, and now he moves into Wrigley Field, one of the best home run parks in the majors. As a result, it is hard to imagine Soriano's numbers declining right away. However, this deal is going to pay him over $17 million a year through his age 38 season. This is going to look bad in years 5 and 6, and it is going to look positively repugnant in years 7 and 8.

It comes down to this: If Soriano can play CF next year, and his production contributes to the Cubs winning, then maybe looking bad on the tail end is worth it. Make no mistake, though- it will indeed look very, very bad.

Grade: C

8) Cool Barry Zito, LHSP
San Francisco Giants, 7 years, $126 million

Zito is the source of much consternation amongst the SABR-crowd. His peripherals have been mediocre since the 2003 season, and every year dozens of calculator-wielding supergeeks predict that Zito is about to become Terry Mulholland (I'm as guilty as any of you, by the way). Well, Zito has continued to be successful, and he has the richest pitching contract in baseball history to prove it. Zito's lack of strikeouts and his ample supply of walks and home runs should hurt him less in the NL West, where the offense is weak and the air smells like warm root beer. Incidentally, he has been incredibly durable in his career, never missing a start while running up gaudy innings totals, which, combined with his above-average ability to prevent runs, have provided him with some very respectable VORP scores. So, no, Zito probably is not an ace, but he is legitimately around a number 2. Is that worth $126 million? Probably not, but this signing does not really surprise me at all. Zito was the one guy going in we knew was going to get overpaid, so Brian Sabean had better hope that Zito's health and AT&T park do their parts.

Grade: C-

9) Vicente Padilla, RHSP
Texas Rangers, 3 years, $33.75 million

The annual salary is high, but the commitment is short. This signing would make more sense if Padilla were going to be 33 next year, but he's going to be 29. Are the Rangers really worried about guaranteeing Padilla's age 32 season? Padilla has consistently held his own, despite typically pitching in exceptionally good hitting parks. On it's face, this deal isn't bad. Considering that Padilla said he'd sign for 4 years, $40 million, you have to wonder why the Rangers wouldn't take that.

Grade: B-

10) Mike Mussina, RHSP
New York Yankees, 2 years, $23 million

Steal. Mussina was one of the best pitchers available on the market this year, a potential hall of famer coming off a VORP of 45 in 197 innings with a 3.51 ERA. It helps that he wanted a short deal, and didn't want to leave the Yankees, but $23 million? He could have gotten $30 million in this market with his eyes closed and Arn Tellum tied behind his back.

Grade: A

11) Jason Schmidt, RHSP
Los Angeles Dodgers, 3 years, $47 million

Schmidt may have been the best pitcher available this year, and I was sure he'd get at least a 5 year deal. Ned Colletti does a huge quantity of stupid things, but this was a great move. Even with Schmidt's declining stuff, he still was the 14th best pitcher last year by VORP, and he still has excellent control and a scary resemblance to my old roommate, Ed Schorr. Maybe that only scares me.

Grade: A

12) Ted Lilly, LHSP
Chicago Cubs, 4 years, $40 million

Ted Lilly has a career 99 ERA+, and has averaged 171 innings since becoming a full-time starter four years ago. No, that's the good news. Despite being slightly less than average over his career, and possessing a deliberate pitching style (4.00 P/PA in 2006) that makes going deep into games very difficult, Lilly was highly sought-after, and commanded a substantial contract. Unfortunately for Lilly, he chose a poor place to sign. In the past three years, 1160 home runs have been hit in Cubs games. 634 were hit in Wrigley, while 526 were hit in Cubs' road games; over the last three years, Wrigley has increased home run production by just over 20%. You may be asking yourself why this matters. Ted Lilly posted a Groundball-to-Flyball ratio of 0.89-to-1 last year, placing him 73rd out of 80 pitchers who threw enough innings to qualify for the ERA title last year. His career mark is 0.82. Flyball pitchers aren't necessarily bad, as flyballs are more likely than groundballs to be turned into outs, but they are also drastically more likely to turn into home runs. For one of the most extreme flyball pitchers in baseball, a guy who gave up 28 home runs last year pitching for Toronto, to move into one of the most home run prone parks in baseball, you have to completely disregard all conventional logic. I did not track Ted Lilly's ground balls and fly balls, and I did not track home runs numbers for all the Cubs' games for the last three years. This information is available for free on ESPN.com, among many other places. I have to wonder if Jim Hendry bothered to check it.

Grade: D-

X) Daisuke Matsuzaka, RHSP
Boston Red Sox, 6 years, $52 million (NPB contract buyout: $51.1 million)

Xa) Kei Igawa, LHSP
New York Yankees, 5 years, $20 million (NPB contract buyout: $26 million)

I am an avid baseball fan. I follow baseball year-round, as you can see by this myopically unweildy analysis in late December. I cannot, however, present to you a thoughtful, objective analysis of either of these acquisitions. You see, I'm not a professional baseball scout, and even if I were, I've only seen Matsuzaka and Igawa pitch in limited clips on the Internet. Their statistics, while ostensibly similar to the statistics I'm used to evaluating, are accumulated half a world a way in a league with a drastically different level of play than MLB, and no one really knows how different, or for that matter, what exactly translates from the Japanese game to the American. Obviously, the Red Sox are much more confident in their evaluations of Japanese baseball players, as they have chosen to invest in excess of $100 million into Matsuzaka. Here's hoping they regret it.

Grade: Incomplete

Wondering about a signing I didn't discuss? Disagree with my evaluations? Drop me a line at briscocountyjr.nomaas@gmail.com